Stay-At-Home Mom Discovers New World
Just two and a half years ago, I was
married and living a very fast-paced, career-oriented life. I was
working my hiney off at an insurance company, going out whenever
I pleased, wearing whatever I wanted and doing just about anything
I set my mind to do. Not to mention, sleeping in. I am tearing up
just remembering the days of sleeping in. Sometimes, I look back
at that life and it seems surreal. Why? Because now, going anywhere
– even a “quick” trip to the grocery store –
requires so much planning and preparation that it just doesn’t
seem quite worth the effort. Because I never wear white, or any
other light colors for that matter, in case of spit-up accidents—my
child's, not mine. And because every decision I make is no longer
about “Just Me”. I’m a Mom now, and there is no
“Me” or “I” in Mom. There’s just a
whole lot of togetherness. A whole lot of togetherness early in
the morning–meaning no sleeping in, even on the weekends.
Let me back up and start at the beginning.
After being happily married for over
seven years to my wonderful husband, I became pregnant in 2005.
Given we had been trying for a couple of years, you can imagine
how happy we were! No more peeing on a stick! No more elaborate
calendars to track my period! I’ve always known that that
if I had children, I wanted to be a stay-at-home mother if financially
possible. I imagined spending my days playing, cuddling and bonding
with my baby. We would listen to music, sing songs, play games and
read all day long. We would go for long walks and play in the park.
We would look at each other with love in our eyes and block the
whole world out. It would be just me and my baby, bonding all day
long.
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Photo by Brinda Obaid |
Our beautiful daughter,
Yasmina, was born in April of 2006, and boy was I ready for that
bonding! I gave up my insurance job and became a stay-at-home mother,
just as I always imagined I would. But I soon learned that it is
hard to bond with – pardon me if I sound too harsh –
a blob. Sing? Dance? Play? Read? She couldn't even keep her eyes
open for more than five minutes at a time. What was I thinking?
Heck, even I couldn’t keep my eyes open for more than five
minutes at a time. I soon realized that this stay-at-home mom gig
wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. I felt completely alone
even though for the first time in my life, there was someone with
me 24 hours a day.
I have regretted my decision to stay home about 1,012 times. And
I have felt guilty about regretting my decision to stay home about
2,042 times (for some strange reason, the guilt factor way supersedes
the very thing you are feeling guilty about. I'm not sure why—maybe
it's a Mom thing). But, alas, for me, staying home was the right
thing to do. I know that deep, deep, deep down, somewhere. I have
loved (and hated) every minute of it. But I know it’s not
for everyone.
Since Yasmina was born, I can count on one hand the number of meals
I have eaten without interruption; the number of shirts that have
not been spit on and pooped on and vomited on and smeared on in
the course of a day; the number of phone calls I have been able
to finish without having to go into the bathroom and turn on the
fan to mask the screaming and crying going on outside; and the number
of times my husband and I have gone out without the kids.
But in those two and a half years, I have also felt a kind of love
I never knew existed. It sounds like a corny cliché, but
it's true. It was a drug and I became an addict. So much so, that
we had another little girl, Noora, eight months ago.
Since having children, I've learned that going on under our very
noses there is a baby subculture that I was never aware of while
I sat hunched over my computer in my little cubicle. While I attended
meetings and fielded phone calls and did other businessy things,
out there were playdates being arranged and carried out with utmost
precision. Puppet shows, book readings, park outings, water fountain
get-togethers, playground outings, pizza parties, you name it—fun
things were happening all around town. Who knew? Well, now I do.
Because the truth is, to be a stay-at-home and not go insane, you
have got to get out of the house. So basically, I’m a stay-at-home
mom who doesn’t stay at home. Children's show at the mall?
I signed up for that two weeks ago. Gymboree is having a sale? Yup,
I got the flier already. I'm all over the place with my girls.
Here’s the deal. We all know this parenting thing is not easy.
On a good day, it's the best thing ever; on a bad day, I want to
throw myself out a window. In the process of trying to teach my
girls something new every day, they are teaching me something new,
as well. Sometimes it's as simple as not to feed the baby prunes
and put her in the ExerSaucer, and sometimes it's much, much more.
They are forcing me to face my fears, question my long-held beliefs
(someone following you around asking "Why?" all day long
will do that) and strive to be a better person every day. I'm an
Indian-American woman married to an Arab-American man trying my
best to raise two socially responsible Indian-Arab-American (or
is it American-Arab-Indian? Or maybe just American?) girls in the
United States. Whew. It is exhausting. There is so much I want them
to know. And not know. So much I want them to be. And not be. So
much I want to tell them. And so much I know I never will.
I've seen a lot, read a lot, done a lot, heard a lot and just downright
felt a lot, all because I have become a Mom. But maybe
the biggest thing I learned is that all that bonding I once looked
forward to really isn't something you do, it's something
that just happens while you're doing something else. It happens
while I get Yasmina's hair ready in the morning and while I help
Noora sit down for the millionth time after she has held onto something,
pulled herself up and realized—as if for the first time—that
she does not know how to get back down. It just happens as you get
on with your day—which is a good thing because I don't think
I'd have enough time to get to it if it didn't.
Brinda Abu-Obaid is a former insurance adjuster who is now a stay-at-home mom. She lives in Clifton, VA with her husband, Aladin and two daughters, Yasmina and Noora.
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