QUESTION
I have a really great boyfriend. He’s smart, funny and treats
me like a princess. It’s just that—objectively speaking—he’s
not very attractive. I hate myself for thinking that, and even more,
I hate that when we are out together, I sometimes feel a little embarrassed.
I know I shouldn’t care what others think—and I really
try hard not to—but I’m ashamed to admit that I can’t
help it. Any suggestions?
ANSWER by Anju Mulchandani
It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t exactly fit the “tall,
slim, wheatish complexion” mold. But to some degree, you have
been able to look beyond this—you wouldn’t be with him
otherwise. As for the rest of what you are feeling, it is quite human
and very complex.
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Photo by Rodrigo Torres |
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A part of the problem
is that we are engulfed in popular culture, which is obsessed with
physical appearance. Our daily lives are saturated with images of
idealized, air-brushed and unattainable physical beauty. This makes
it difficult not to feel insecure, whether about your own beauty or
that of the person you are with.
What you may not realize is that the embarrassment
you feel towards your boyfriend stems from a deeper place within you
and reflects your own self-esteem. But it is important for you to
know that you are the one who holds the power to decide how to perceive
your boyfriend. You have already said that he is smart, funny and
treats you like a princess. If you can hold on to these thoughts and
project them onto the world with confidence, you will find that people
will be receptive. You will also be able to hold your head up high—and
maybe even clutch him a little closer to you.
QUESTION (This is a question
ABCDlady has received many times, so we decided to print our answer
again)
I have been in three serious relationships and have yet to have an
orgasm. I have read that you need to be comfortable with your partner
and yourself. I feel I’m comfortable in every way. Do you think
this could be a result of my upbringing, that somehow, in the back
of my mind, I feel that what I’m doing is wrong and can’t
allow myself to let loose completely?
ANSWER by Ron Bailey
A lack of orgasmic response can be either psychological or physical.
You refer to "a result of my upbringing", which infers some
history of problems that may be contributing to a lack of enjoyment
of the overall sexual experience. If this is the case, then some type
of psychological therapy would be helpful in determining the root
cause of the problem which, when defined, would then lead to the appropriate
therapy to help resolve.
Physically, a lack of orgasm in women is generally
due to improper vaginal and clitoral stimulation. Unlike men, who
derive pleasure from the entire penile shaft (albeit the penile head
is far more sensitive), most of a woman's vaginal sensory stimulation
nerve endings are found in the lower 1/3rd of the vagina. So, armed
with this fact, the sexual partner must be patient when exploring
this area until he/she finds the right type of pressure/sensation
that created arousal in the subject. Once this area and combination
of movements are found, it is simply a matter of recreating these
sensations in the total context of lovemaking. Particular areas of
arousal are the nipples, clitoris, back of the knees, ears, antecubital
space (forearm, in front of the elbow), and (of course) the lips.
My suggestion would be to do this: Set an appropriate
mood (area, music, candles, whatever) to show your lover what type
of environment you like. I would also suggest having your lover simply
touch you, with no intercourse, letting your lover gently and unhurriedly
find your arousal areas and where you like to be touched. You can
minimize any pressure by simply providing gentle guidance during this
exploration in the form of feedback ("that feels good" or
"that feels REALLY good right there, baby") and assisting
your lover in "mapping" the hot zones. This exploration
also serves to map the "off limits" areas, if appropriate,
which is just as important as the free-for-all zones.
Lovemaking should be mutually enjoyable, whatever
your upbringing. If there are things you do not enjoy, it is important
to discuss those things with your partner. I would suggest this type
of conversation take place outside of an intimate moment so there
is no emotional or sexual "let-down" for either party—with
the resultant heartache—when one party is primed to try something
that the other party finds not to be so intriguing (to put it politely).
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