Parenting

By Zeeshan Shah

Preparing Your First Born for Baby Number Two

Being an only child for some five-odd years, our son had our undivided attention. Although we had started familiarizing him with the concept of a sibling, it still made both my husband and I slightly nervous when we found out we were pregnant. How was our son going to react to sharing us and our time with someone else? Not to mention that this someone else would be a needy newborn! The transition from only child to bara bhai or behan (big brother or sister) can be smooth, but only if it is done with a lot of care and sensitivity. Here is how we set about on our journey:

Delay the “good news” for as long as you can.
We waited until my stomach literally got the better of me. Nine months is a long time for us, but it may seem like a lifetime for a child. This is also sound advice if your child is under four, since their level of understanding is not as mature as an older kid.

Prepare your child for the fact that the baby will not be an instant playmate.
Realistically speaking, all that the baby will do in the initial six-to-eight months, perhaps longer, is eat, sleep and poop. It is best to make the older sibling aware of this. Otherwise, his or her hopes might be dashed later on, leading to frustration and aggression, possibly taken out on the newborn.

I always refer to my son as my “little helper,” which makes him feel important. I also keep telling him how he will have to help with diaper duty and such when the baby arrives.

Engage in role-play.
In order to prepare our son, we do a lot of pretend play where my husband and I become the babies and have our son be the father. This gives him a taste of what life is going to be like once the baby comes along and usually leads to gales of laughter all around.

Never use the baby as an excuse.
The sure way to breed animosity and jealousy between siblings is to use the unborn child as an excuse to not do something for your older child. Once I learned of my pregnancy, I stopped carrying my son, but I was careful not to say it was because of the baby. I told him he was bigger and therefore too heavy for me to carry. It made him feel like a big boy, which he absolutely loves. I got this piece of advice from the book, What to Expect When You’re Expecting, by Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel.

Involve the older child in preparing for the baby.
Involving your child in preparation for baby number two whenever possible will make him or her feel important and needed. It is more likely that your child will welcome the baby with open arms since he or she participated so much in the “nesting” phase.

One Saturday, I had my son help me sort out his baby clothes for his brother-to-be, and he will also play an active part in setting up the nursery.

Beware of the insecurity questions.
Never one to give in to jealousy, I was quite surprised when my five-year-old asked me the dreaded question: “Mamma, will you love the baby more than me?” Luckily, my husband was there and turned the tables on him, surprising our son with a quick comeback: “You know who will love the baby the most?” he asked, “You will!”

I heaved a sigh of relief, and my son was speechless. He has not asked us the same question since.

Have your spouse or others who assist with caretaking take over some of your responsibilities early on.
To make the transition easier, have your child’s other caretakers be more involved. If you were tucking your child into bed at night, have your spouse or another family member take over, so that once the baby comes, you are not pulled in all directions, and your older child will already be used to others tucking him or her in. Also, have your spouse or your child’s caretakers spend more time with the older child and do one-on-one activities with him or her. This way, your older child will not feel it as much when you are not able to give him or her the time he or she was used to, pre-baby.

Devote time to your older child before the baby comes.
Since the age gap between my firstborn and second child is five years, my firstborn is used to having all of the focus and attention. I jokingly refer to my years with him as “The Era,” and the fact that it will never again be the same is somewhat saddening. During the months leading up to the baby’s birth, I plan to spend the maximum amount of time with him, focusing on his interests.

Cuddle, coddle and show your child you love him or her.
Many experienced mothers will tell you that the most independent of kids will become clingy once mommy is expecting another baby, and my son is no different. I try to get in as much hugging and kissing as I can because I know, soon enough, our lives will get busier, and with the entry of another bundle of joy, our firstborn will lose the exclusivity he now enjoys.

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