But those of us who have
tried can attest that long distance is not easy and
requires more effort than a normal relationship. One
of the things you can do to make it easier is to define
your expectations in advance.
A very common issue for couples dealing
with long distance is communication style. It's likely
that one partner will need more communication than
the other. So instead of assuming you are on the same
page, you should discuss your communication needs
and limits up front. It is important to be flexible
and to try to meet your partner halfway. Let’s
say your girlfriend wants to talk daily and you can’t.
You could at least send her a one-line loving text
message or email every day just so she knows you’re
thinking about her.
Email cannot take the place of phone calls but can
be a great way to supplement them. Just be careful
not to rely on email to resolve conflicts since the
tone, intention and content can easily be misconstrued.
Another great way to communicate
is snail mail. Who doesn’t feel special receiving
actual mail? Apart from cards, you can send care packages
and little gifts to let your girlfriend know you are
thinking about her.
Learning how to communicate effectively
when you are not together will help facilitate a healthy
relationship and bring you one step closer to your
ultimate goal of being together.
QUESTION
My boyfriend has been driving me crazy lately. I’ve
always had to travel for work, but recently I’ve
had to travel more than normal and he doesn’t
like the fact that I go away with other coworkers
who are often male. He calls way too often when I’m
away and acts very suspicious. I’ve never done
anything for him to be suspicious of me, so I don’t
know what to tell him, but it’s really starting
to annoy me. Any suggestions?
ANSWER
Jealousy in a relationship is usually caused by anxiety
about love and intimacy. People are worried that their
romantic partners do not love them and will eventually
abandon them. The ironic part is that when a partner
is jealous, controlling and overly needy, the natural
response is to pull back, which is what it sounds
like you are doing.
It must be frustrating to constantly
be questioned about your whereabouts, especially if
this is something work related. But it is possible
that because his fear is so ingrained, he might not
be able to see how stifling his behavior is and thinks
he is just showing concern. Until he becomes conscious
of what he is doing, he won’t be able to work
through the problem.
Communication is very important
here. It would help to let your boyfriend know that
he can talk to you about his feelings and that you
will try to understand where he is coming from. You
might learn something about a previous relationship
or his past in general that has made him so insecure.
Either way, try to reassure him that you love him
and that you will work through your problems together.
You might also consider counseling
if you don’t feel you are making any progress
or if he is becoming increasingly unreasonable. Take
action before the situation escalates and your boyfriend
becomes controlling and manipulative, because you
will end up resenting him if you have to live that
way.
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