Raising Girls

My three-year-old daughter mouthed off to me today. She looked me straight in the eye and said, in a very exasperated way, “Good God, you are driving me insane!” But I am not shocked by this behavior because these are the same words I heard yesterday, only I was saying them to her—with the same look on my face, tone of voice and body language, and with my hands grabbing both sides of my head, pretending to pull out my hair. This is not the first time she has shown me attitude, and it will surely not be the last.

As much as I complain about it, I am also secretly pleased. I want her to speak up for herself, to voice her opinion loud and clear and to question authority when something doesn’t sit right with her. Of course, when I am that authority telling her she cannot wear her winter coat, hat, gloves and boots to the playground on a 90 degree day, I just want her to be quiet and do as I say. But I am hoping her ability to voice her opinion loudly with me today will one day give her the courage and wherewithal to do so elsewhere when I am not around to protect her.

I want my daughters to have a “Don’t mess with me” attitude for a simple reason: I am afraid of what the future holds for them. I know from experience just how mean girls can be. I know how much pressure there is to look and act a certain way. I want my daughters to face the world with the equipment necessary to thrive: a healthy dose of self-esteem, a strong family support network and a good value system that gives them a sense of right and wrong. So how do we do this?

Photo by Brinda Abu-Obaid

The first step is to maintain an open line of communication. When I was growing up, we did not discuss issues like sex, body image, peer pressure or bullying. I want my daughters to feel comfortable talking to me about anything. No subject will be considered off limits. I want to be the person they turn to for information and guidance.

My daughters are only three and one, but I don’t think it is ever too early to foster an environment of open dialogue and communication. Tell your children that they can ask you anything. My three-year-old daughter’s questions are simple now, but that will change soon. One day she will ask me a question that will make me want to run for the hills—but I will hold it together long enough to answer her in a calm and rational manner. I will answer her honestly and admit when I don’t know an answer and help her find an answer we can both live with. Use these tough questions as a starting point to have meaningful conversations with your daughter about her body, relationships, ambitions, motivations and fears. Let her know that she is loved unconditionally and that nothing will make you love her any less.

Second, lead by example. I can tell my girls until I am blue in the face that looks don’t matter, but if they see me obsessing about my weight and criticizing myself in the mirror, my “beauty is only skin deep” speeches will have very little impact. I want them to measure their worth by much more meaningful standards, such as the quality of their relationships, a healthy lifestyle and their achievement in sports, school and other activities. Make a conscious effort to notice and comment on your daughter’s actions and accomplishments.

Third, let your daughter know that you are her mother, not her best friend. A parent’s job is to tell their kids what they expect from them, what will not be tolerated and to set limits and enforce them. It’s our obligation to make sure our kids are safe and on the right track. It’s our right to intervene when we see things heading in the wrong direction. We must ask tough questions and brace ourselves for the answers. And it’s our prerogative to seek support and advice when we don’t know what to do. We also must get to know the people in our children’s lives: our neighbors, children’s friends’ and their parents and teachers.

Fourth, instill in your daughter a sense of family and tradition. While I was growing up, our house seemed to have revolving doors, and aunts, cousins, nephews and grandparents were a regular presence. This is what I want for my daughters: I want them to know they can count on their extended family for support and advice, a shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent to whenever they want. So can we do this if we live hundreds of miles from family? Show your daughter lots of pictures of cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. I have these pictures in albums, on the computer and hanging up around my house. Talk to your daughter about your own childhood. And, most importantly, maintain a good, strong relationship with your own family.

By following these tenets, I am doing everything in my power to give my girls the tools necessary to survive and thrive in this world. I am creating a relationship with them that I hope will be strong enough to withstand any calamity. And I am firmly putting them on the road to success.

Brinda Abu-Obaid is a stay-at-home mom who lives in Clifton, VA with her husband, Aladin, and her two daughters, Yasmina and Noora.