I Do? Life Beyond Marital Expectations

A few weeks ago, I was having brunch with one of my girlfriends when she received a phone call from her mom. About two minutes into the conversation, I overheard her say, “No mom, I still haven’t found anyone yet.” From the look of frustration on her face, it was clear they were revisiting a familiar topic. Not long after she let her mom know – yet again – that she was still 25 years old and single, their conversation ended.

“It’s almost as if my marriage is all that matters to my family,” my girlfriend told me, obviously annoyed.

As two South Asian women in our mid-twenties, we found ourselves – yet again – lamenting over the family and societal pressure to overturn our “single” status.

Let's face it, no matter how much a South Asian woman accomplishes in her life, many presume she is not successful unless she is married. Our culture is rooted in a traditional mentality in which parents are often overly involved and concerned with marrying off their children – both male and female – as quickly as possible. From the fairy-tale love stories that Bollywood movies teach us to emulate to the first two minutes of every phone conversation we have with our moms, many of us are under significant pressure to tie the knot.

Some women, however, have no desire to give in. They don’t believe that a husband and happiness have to go hand-in-hand, feeling perfectly fulfilled even if they do not meet this cultural expectation on time. Still stuck in a traditional mindset, however, many of their family members and friends don’t understand their choices.

Monrok Madan, 26, says she is in no rush to get married. A stand-up comedian in Los Angeles, California, she believes that South Asian culture sets an unreasonable path that women are expected to follow. Beyond academic and professional expectations, Madan is particularly frustrated with the antiquated belief that South Asian women must be married by their mid-twenties.

Photo by Camilo Morales

“The culture sets such restrictions and boundaries, and there is no room for women to grow as an individual or think outside the box,” she said. “All of the pressure makes women freak out when they reach a certain age, and then they feel rushed into marriage.”

Madan refused to succumb to the pressure. She instead took matters into her own hands when she left her hometown in Maryland at 21 and drove across the country to Los Angeles to pursue her dream: a profession in stand-up comedy. Now, five years into her career, Madan says she is the happiest she has ever been in her life – even though she is not married.

“I imagine that being married is great, but it is not what defines us as individuals,” she said. “To be truly fulfilled in life, women need to take time to explore who they are. Under no circumstance should a woman ever feel like she has to do something – it should just come from within.”

And though her mentality is an outlier from many South Asians, Madan is not alone.

Since she was 22, Jasleen Singh* has been introduced to dozens of men by relatives and family friends. Now 27, Singh has completed a master’s degree in education, is a kindergarten teacher in Las Vegas, Nevada and plans to pursue her Ph.D. in language acquisition. Still focused on her professional goals, Singh says she has no desire to get married any time soon.

“It’s not like I have an expiration date on me,” she joked. “I just need some more time to figure out who I am and do what I want to do. If anything, the cultural pressure makes the idea of marriage less appealing to me.”

Sometimes, giving in to the pressure can have tragic consequences. Since she was 19, Monica Desai* was pressured by her parents to get married. She went on countless dates with men set up by her relatives or friends of her family. Reluctant to go, Desai says she remembers wearing t-shirts and stuffing her face with food during dinner.

“I would do anything to make these guys not like me,” she said. “My parents used to get so mad.”

When she was 24, Desai went with her parents to New Jersey, thinking she was going to visit some relatives and family friends. She was not surprised, however, when she was introduced to Rajiv,* yet another encounter arranged by her parents. An educated South Asian man with a good family name, Rajiv was perfect for Desai by her parents’ standards.

“When we got home, my mom asked me what I thought of him,” Desai recalled. “I completely refused. I knew he was just not right for me.”

Not long after their trip, Desai received a shocking phone call from her parents. Her parents had agreed to marry Desai to Rajiv without consulting her. Her jaw dropped. She didn’t even know Rajiv’s last name.

“Every girl looks for love,” Desai said. “My dream was shattered at that instant. I was always planning on marrying a South Asian guy. I just needed my time to do that.”

Throughout the six-month engagement and three-month marriage, Desai and Rajiv’s relationship was rocky.

“My parents knew that it was not going to work out between the two of us,” Desai said. “We fought all the time. We were just two completely different people.”

But her parents ignored the problems. To them, Rajiv’s master’s degree and family pedigree was more important.

Just three months into her marriage to Rajiv, Desai had to get out. In addition to their incompatibility, Rajiv was also physically abusive. Her divorce changed her family for good. Her parents realized their wish to get Desai married had put her safety and well-being in jeopardy.

Now happily married for six years, Desai, 32, fell in love the way she always hoped she would.

“If you don’t feel it in your heart, say no,” she said when asked what she learned from her first marriage. “Don’t forego your happiness for anyone. In the end, your parents really just want you to be happy.”

Ranu Boppana, an adult and child psychiatrist in New York thinks that in general, it is difficult for South Asians to “break out of the mold” about anything – from choosing a career to finding a spouse. With regards to marriage, she said, South Asian parents consider it their duty to help their children make the right decisions.

“Allowing a child to pursue an individual path that feels right for them is a new concept,” Boppana said. South Asian culture is highly prone to conforming to norms established by previous generations. But Boppana sees progress being made: “This is changing, however, as more and more young South Asians pursue their own paths anyway and find success.”

Of course, marriage can be fulfilling – as long as the couple is not rushed or pressured into taking their vows. Just like Madan, Singh, Desai and so many other South Asian women, age or cultural expectations should never affect or change the path we take to get there, and we should not allow age or cultural expectations to alter our chosen path to fulfillment.

*Names have been changed.

Nisha Chhabra works for Merritt Group Inc. as a communications professional. She is also pursuing a master's degree in journalism from Georgetown University. She currently lives in Arlington,VA. Nisha can be reached at nisha.chhabra@gmail.com.