Letters to the Editor

Our three-part feature on Shaadi.com generated great interest and much feedback from our readers! Here’s what some of them have been saying.

My advice on online dating or dating in general? Communication! Also, I hate these microwave dates I keep running into. What do I mean by that? I've been on online dating sites and have met girls outside. One common thing I find is that they seem to want things to just click from the get-go. I also refer to this as being a chick-flick geek. A typical geek is easy to spot with the way they dress or what they are interested in. A chick-flick geek is the girl who thinks that Sex and the City is supposed to be reality or that things that happen in those shows happen in real life. Much like with the typical geek, they don't realize that in real life you need to take the time to get to know someone. Also that when you live 20-30 years on your own, the chances of things being a 100% match are near nil.

***

I saw an article on your site about Shaadi.com, and it’s so true. I am on Shaadi too — ready to give up though. I don’t take it that seriously as I only talk to guys who really meet my criteria. But I did have some not-so-pleasant experiences. And I do not know anyone who has been successful on Shaadi either. I know some people who say they have been there for many years. Actually I deleted my profile on Shaadi yesterday…. because of heartbreak from someone I met on Shaadi. It’s too complicated to deal with out of state, and then his ex is still in the picture and there is more. So it’s better to leave them alone. We only met once though. We were talking off and on for months. I guess I felt in love with him before I met him. It was so emotionally draining. I realize I need to focus on work right now.

***

I am appalled at the quality of some of the men you interviewed for this article, and my heart goes out for some of the South Asian-American women who have had bad experiences with South Asian men. Although I don’t want to bash our men, the attitude of the men in part three of the article leaves a lot to be desired! Considering our community's obsession with marriage, I am seeing more and more second generation South Asian-Americans getting divorced. People are on this quest to find the "perfect person." Reality? It doesn’t exist! No matter how much chemistry and passion and romance bring people together, the honeymoon phase ends. Marriage is about compromise and adaptability and the ability to deal with the ups and downs of life. How "fair" a person's skin or how big their paycheck is not going to matter when your life or marriage is faced with a challenge or a problem. I know of several attractive and nice South Asian men and women who thought they married the person of their dreams and got divorced within months or years. The person they married had the professional, physical and financial criteria they were looking for. So those things alone are no guarantee a marriage will last. I think second generation South Asian professionals could really use some guidance on the intrinsic values (character, kindness and integrity, to name a few) one needs to seek in finding a suitable spouse — values that will lead to a lasting marriage!

***

Shaadi.com is the worst place to meet anyone honest. So far this year I met a guy who is married, a guy who lied and said that his wife doesn’t work in the same office when she does and another guy who was dating someone at the same time he was traveling from Atlanta to New York City to see me.

***

It seems that not many women are serious about marriage though. It’s not just in the romance department but everything else. People tend to look for the good and not look at accepting all aspects of a person.

The traditional vows are on key when they say for “better” or “worse.” When you look for the better and richer and ignore the worse and poorer, you end up with… a high divorce rate, much like in this country.

People got married during the Great Depression and through hard times before. So it’s irresponsible when a relationship “expert” says economic times breed hardships in relationships. A true test of a relationship is in those times, and those who quit due to hard times lack maturity for marriage. A decision to get married should never be based on what kind of job a man or a woman has or anything else materialistic. So as long as it is, the marriage is destined for either a divorce or a cheating spouse. Not trying to be a pessimist, just the facts as I see them. I am still hopeful to find that special someone. Although I have seen many people get divorced even within my South Asian community — and I can see why.

***

Oh my lord! It is extremely difficult to meet the right person these days. They either are interested or they're not. It's as clear as that. If I were dating someone and he didn't fit my bill, I would be honest with him — not to hurt him, but because I don't want to waste his time or my time. It's really just a shame that you are looked down upon if you are at a certain age and are unmarried. My younger sister is getting married before me, which I am so happy about. But other people see this as something being wrong with me. I won't give up looking for Mr. Right, but I am definitely not looking for a Mr. Right Now.