Sibling Rivalry

While preparing to bring my second baby home from the hospital, I read as much as I could about how to help my almost two-year-old daughter still feel special with a new baby in the house. Little did I know the real struggle would begin a year later when my second child was no longer a newborn blob but a walking, babbling, grabbing little being, always in her sister’s way and demanding her rightful place as the baby of our family. Sibling rivalry reared its ugly head in our peaceful household, and we became accustomed to watching our girls hug and fight their way from morning till night. So I began reading again, this time about sibling rivalry and how to cope with and ease the inevitable conflicts of two children, two years apart.

First off, I was vindicated when I learned that sibling rivalry is worst when both children are under four years old and less than three years apart, like mine. Children under four depend on their parents a great deal and have a hard time sharing them with their siblings. For the four-and-older gang, things tend to heat up again between ages 8-12. Siblings who are closer in age and have the same interests tend to compete even more.

Photo by Bidisha Mukherjee Riccardi

I have picked up the following tips for coping with sibling rivalry. These pointers are suggestions for minimizing sibling tension in your home. Admittedly, I do not adhere to all the rules all the time, but I’ve found that every little bit helps.

Intervene the proper way. You will most likely need to intervene in spats between your toddler and preschooler, sometimes even physically pulling them apart, but it gets trickier the older the kids get. Some parents think kids fight to get a reaction out of them so they should just stay out of it. But as children get older, they find new and inventive ways to torment each other, so it’s crucial that parents pay close attention to this behavior because it can affect a child’s self esteem and the relationships they have with others. But this does not mean we should intervene immediately in an authoritative way, determining who is wrong or punishing perpetrators. Instead, we should assume a coaching position, gently guiding kids through the conflict — only when they cannot work it out themselves. And that’s they key: We need to first give our kids the chance to resolve a fight on their own. The process of resolving the conflict teaches them how to compromise and cooperate, skills they need to survive in this world.

Don’t compare your kids in front of them. Avoid pointing out your children's differences in front of them. Your child might interpret comparison as criticism and may think that he or she is not as good or as loved as his or her sibling. Also, there’s nothing worse than labeling a child the “smart one” or the “athletic one” or the “clumsy one.” It has the potential to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, and it automatically puts upon your child a limit on what is expected of him or her. Your “athletic” child might not hit the books as hard because his or her brother is already the “smart one”. Furthermore, labeling a child puts a huge amount of pressure on the child to live up to that label. A “smart” child’s ego may be crushed if he or she gets anything less than an A on an exam, for example, and the child may feel as though he or she has let you down by not meeting your expectations. Lastly, labeling may cause a child to harbor resentment towards his or her sibling.

Give your child some space and time. I still remember when my youngest daughter Noora grabbed her older sister Yasmina’s toy cupcake set. Yasmina yelled “No!” and grabbed it back. I told her that it’s okay for her younger sister to play with it, and she responded, “Do I have to share EVERYTHING with her?” I was on the verge of saying “Yes!” when it occurred to me how unfair that would be. No one shares EVERYTHING, right? I surely don’t. So why was I expecting my three-year-old to? Now we have an area where each of them can keep any off-limits possessions from each other.
This is even more important when siblings share a bedroom, like my girls do. Make sure that each child gets the opportunity to express himself or herself. That way, they will be less likely to take out frustrations on each other. Let each kid pick out sheets and put up pictures on the wall over the bed. Also, ask your kids to work together to create room rules. Some ideas: "You can't take my stuffed animals unless you ask me for them first," or "This room is for both of us, so we can't slam the door and keep somebody out." As kids learn to share, they'll hone skills such as taking turns, respecting others and negotiating.

But everyone needs a room of one's own (at least metaphorically). Sometimes siblings simply need time apart from each other. Make sure that you occasionally arrange separate play dates or activities for each child. And even when they're home together, make sure they each have space to do their own things without having to share everything 50-50. Being proactive about making sure each of your children gets enough one-on-one time with you will go a long way toward ending rivalry as well.

Set some ground rules. Figure out what you can and can’t live with, and let your kids know. For example, you might tell them that they can argue whenever they want, but that violence and name-calling are off limits. Be sure to praise them when they resolve their disagreements peacefully. Ask them how they did it and how they can apply those skills to future disagreements.
When all of their attempts to resolve a fight have failed and they come to you for help, consider the following responses:

- Sounds like you're having a problem — I bet you can figure out a way to find a solution you're both happy with.
- It doesn't matter who started this argument. What matters is, how are you going to end it?
- If you can't play nicely, I'm taking the ______ away from both of you.
- Is this a play fight or do I have to separate you?

All of these responses put the ball back into their court and push them in the right direction. Even if your children are young like mine, these statements can be effective. But the bottom line is that no matter what you do, kids will argue and fight and bicker. It is perfectly normal for siblings to do so. And rest assured that whatever you decide to do about it, whether it’s walk away, get involved or cover your ears with pillows, experts agree that the constant feuding won't affect the relationship they have with each other when they grow up.

Brinda Abu-Obaid is a stay-at-home mom who lives in Clifton, VA with her husband, Aladin, and her two daughters, Yasmina and Noora.