QUESTION
I am 34 and have been single for way too long. I would love to meet someone, but it seems that every time I do, the person doesn’t like me or ends up being unavailable. I usually have an easy time making friends, so of course, when I am not romantically interested in someone, that person ends up liking me. It’s very frustrating since I have no idea why this is happening. I was wondering, do you think it’s just human nature to want what you cannot have?

ANSWER by Anju Mulchandani
Being 34 and single could just mean that you haven’t met the right person yet. However, if you are concerned about your dating patterns, then they are definitely worth exploring. When it comes to wanting someone you can’t have, there are many factors to consider, such as past baggage and self-esteem issues or fear of rejection, but the most common theory is that human beings crave a challenge and the thrill of the chase.

The giddiness in the beginning of a relationship, where everything is new and you get butterflies in your stomach every time you see that special person, can be attributed to feeling unsure of how things are going. This is the essence of the thrill of the chase: anything's possible! And when the chase is over, there is a sense of accomplishment.

If this is, in fact, what you are doing, one way to avoid this behavior is to think about what you really want and why. The best way to figure this out is to do some honest soul searching. Ask yourself about the personal qualities you feel a life partner should have, keeping it compatible with your own values, personality, as well as short and long-term goals. Then think about the direction in which you would like your life to go over the next six months, one year and five years. Some of the things you might think about are family life, financial planning, career development and interests.

Perhaps you will find that the fact that you are only attracted to people who seem to be unavailable is not an issue of wanting what you can’t have. The root of your problem could be that you don't have a clear idea of yourself and what you really want out of life. Either way, the answers you come up with are the things you should be aware of when you meet someone. If you begin thinking about these qualities on a more conscious level, you will open yourself up to dating people who are much more compatible with you!

QUESTION
I've been married for six years. My husband was born in India but came to the U.S. when he was 16, and I was born here in the U.S. Despite the difference in our backgrounds, we met in college, fell in love and got married. Now he wants a divorce because he says we have nothing in common, whereas I think he's having issues but taking it out on our marriage. We're temporarily separated. When do I know that it's time to let it go? Or do I hold on and hope he'll come around?

ANSWER by Jasbina Ahluwalia
I’m sorry to hear this and appreciate your thoughtful question. From your question, it sounds like your husband has asked for a divorce and you are currently separated. If you both are willing to participate in marital counseling, I would encourage you to consider it. If he is not willing to participate in counseling, he may have already decided that he is no longer interested in continuing the relationship.

In my opinion, once either partner has decided that they are no longer interested in continuing the relationship, the other partner should honor him or herself by accepting the decision. Whether your husband’s reason for making this decision is that he believes that the two of you have nothing in common or that he may be having issues apart from your marriage, my suggestion to you remains the same: prioritize your well-being.

Try not to spend your valuable energy and time on why he has made his decision or what may be responsible for his decision. This is easier said than done but nevertheless truly worth the effort. I encourage you, instead, to focus your time and energy on your self-healing, including tapping into the energies of your support system. Best wishes to you during this challenging time.

Advertisement Jasbina Ahluwalia is the founder of Intersections Matchmaking, the first elite, personalized Matchmaking firm for South Asian singles nationwide. As a former practicing lawyer with a graduate degree in philosophy, Jasbina can relate first-hand to the demands and challenges facing her accomplished clients. As a second-generation Indian-American, Jasbina has a unique understanding of the successful blending of South Asian and American cultures. For more information, please visit www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Jasbina may be contacted directly at Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.

Anju Mulchandani is a graduate of the Columbia School of Social Work. Her clinical experience has focused on providing counseling for individuals with a variety of emotional problems.

Jasbina Ahluwalia runs Intersections Matchmaking, a personalized Matchmaking firm for South Asian singles nationwide.