QUESTION
I have been dating an Indian man, whom I met online, for about four months now. Things are great between us, and we feel completely compatible even though it is a long distance relationship. My parents automatically distrust him because they believe that he is using me to get a green card or citizenship in the U.S. He has an H-1 visa and lives in the U.S. and would like to settle here permanently. In addition, his parents are separated, and this is a real deal breaker for my conservative Indian parents. I've had numerous arguments with them about the subject. Is there any hope of compromise? What can I do to convince my parents that he is not the evil guy that they assume he is?

ANSWER by Jasbina Ahluwalia
A couple of different issues (each one of which other readers may be grappling with as well) jump out at me from your question.

As you’ve met online and are in a long-distance relationship, keep in mind that it is important for the two of you to spend time together in person. While doing so may involve a great deal of investment in time, energy and money, it is important to ensure that the two of you seem compatible when spending time together. Four months of a long-distance relationship may not be adequate to assess compatibility.

With the green card and citizenship issue, ask your parents the reasons underlying their beliefs. Their concerns may be legitimate. Are there any particular red flags they have noticed? Be open to hearing what they have to say. Since you are emotionally involved with him, it is likely easier for you to ignore or not notice red flags.

That said, if the only reason for your parents’ concern is that he is not a permanent resident, it is not disrespectful for you to agree to disagree with their opinion.

His parents’ separation is another area where you and your parents may need to agree to disagree. Once again, be open to hearing your parents out. If they feel strongly about this issue, try your very best to be as open as possible to what they have to say. Find out if your parents are basing their opinion on red flags they have noticed. But remember, adopting your parents (or anyone else’s) deal-breakers without considering your own beliefs and values, is not being respectful to yourself.

Your parents might be concerned that his family situation could lead to a similar marital outcome for the two of you. However, do consider that offspring who come from divorced/separated families will not necessarily have troubled relationships. Many times, their experiences lead to them being attuned to conflict resolution and motivated to have a better marriage than their parents. If your parents are concerned about what others (relatives, friends, acquaintances, the community in general) may think, you must be the one to decide the role you want others’ opinions to play in your decisions. Best wishes!

QUESTION
I met a guy at a bar about two weeks ago, and we had such a great time. We ended up hanging out together for most of the night and talked about a lot of different things. I was so sure he was going to call, but it’s already been two weeks and he still hasn’t called. I would think about calling him but I don’t even have his number. I’m so confused because I know we had a lot of fun together. Why do you think he hasn’t called, and why are guys so confusing?

ANSWER by Anju Mulchandani
I can’t tell you how often I hear this. You meet a guy when you’re out. He makes you laugh and it seems clear to you that there’s a great connection. So you happily give him your number and then wait for him to call… and wait… and wait…

Photo by Camilo Morales

Advertisement Jasbina Ahluwalia is the founder of Intersections Matchmaking, the first elite, personalized Matchmaking firm for South Asian singles nationwide. As a former practicing lawyer with a graduate degree in philosophy, Jasbina can relate first-hand to the demands and challenges facing her accomplished clients. As a second-generation Indian-American, Jasbina has a unique understanding of the successful blending of South Asian and American cultures. For more information, please visit www.IntersectionsMatch.com. Jasbina may be contacted directly at Jasbina@IntersectionsMatch.com.

So this scenario begs the question of why he bothered to ask for your number in the first place. Don’t worry—your instincts probably weren’t off. Chances are he really was having a good time with you when he asked for your digits, but as time passed, a number of things could have happened—and no, he probably didn’t get run over by a truck!

He could have come to the realization that you’re not quite his type, he could have met someone else, or he could even have a girlfriend. On the other hand, maybe he had no intention of calling in the first place but just needed to stroke his ego.

No matter the reason—and you’ll probably never find out—the best thing to do is to move on. Try not to place too much importance on a single interaction and turn it into a reflection of your entire love life!

Jasbina Ahluwalia runs Intersections Matchmaking, a personalized Matchmaking firm for South Asian singles nationwide.

Anju Mulchandani is a graduate of the Columbia School of Social Work. Her clinical experience has focused on providing counseling for individuals with a variety of emotional problems.