Experiencing India as a Mixed-Heritage Couple

Editors’ note: Those of us with South Asian heritage often envision what it would be like to take our spouses (or friends) who aren’t South Asian on a trip to the motherland. In the following article, Pria and Porter Ingrum share such an experience.

Pria: In December 2007, I went back to India after almost 14 years and took my new husband of five months, Porter, and our nine and a half-year-old son, Colin. I was curious about how the country had changed and was excited and anxious about taking my family with me. I wondered what their impressions would be of the country, what they expected and whether it would be meaningful for them. I wanted them to at least have an introduction to my country over the three weeks. With that in mind, I thought it best that they see some of the iconic sights, such as the Taj Mahal and the palaces in Jaipur and Udaipur, although I had already seen these places.

India is not just another country to explore but part of my heritage and identity that I had some mixed feelings about, having grown up in the United States.

I had moved to the United States when I was seven, along with three older siblings and my mother. With my family of origin, I had gone back to India about six times, both as a child and then as an adult. Each trip seemed to prompt more exploration of my identity. What did it mean to be an Indian and what was I? Some aspects of what it seemed to mean to be Indian made me proud and some aspects of being an American did too. With such a confusing connection to India, I was conscious of exposing this personal part of me to my new family.

Pria and Porter Ingrum

Porter: I grew up in a suburb of Austin, Texas and had a middle-to-upper class upbringing. The only less-developed country I had visited before was Mexico. I didn’t know much about India before I met my wife Pria. I had the stereotypical impression that there would be a huge population and poverty. I knew a classmate who spent six months traveling through India. He talked of the many sights he saw, such as how awestruck he was by the Himalayas. He also spoke of getting sick–from the water and food. He also mentioned how cheap it was to travel in India.

After learning more about India through Pria, I expected to be overwhelmed with the sights and sounds of India’s bustling cities and cultural and historical heritage. I was intimidated and anticipated that I might be targeted as a tourist and people would view me as a wealthy American and regularly ask me for money or try and take advantage of me in some way. I feared getting sick because I learned that the hygiene standards were definitely lower than American standards. To try to prevent ourselves from getting sick, we got all the recommended immunizations and took probiotics daily for a while before the trip. It was helpful reading about sanitation and how to keep from getting sick. I was also excited about the chance to try authentic Indian food and sample North as well as South Indian food.

Pria: As we got closer to landing in New Delhi, I wondered what Porter was thinking. I wanted to celebrate and share my excitement with him. The mob scene appeared once we deplaned, and different herds went to different areas of the room at Delhi airport, which ended up in one big herd to clear customs and get baggage. There were no windows, and we were packed into the space like cattle to slaughter. We were greeted at the baggage claim with no baggage. We had to stay in Delhi a little longer until we received the baggage.

Porter: I think of the quote by John Steinbeck: “One does not take a trip, the trip takes one.” That’s how this trip felt in many ways. We planned all the cities we wanted to see, but how we got to these cities, where we stayed and what we did was largely determined by people we met, our guide, our guidebook and our own interests.

The first introduction to a country is their national airline. Our experience with Air India was not a good start to the trip. The boarding process was hectic and disorganized. Fellow passengers were rude when getting on. The plane was dirty. Pria was embarrassed by the plane. It was hard to see—she saw the plane as a representative of India, and it didn’t meet basic expectations of American planes.

But this was countered by later flights on Kingfisher and Jet Airways. The customer service was good and even exceeded American travel standards. There were cheap lunches that included tasty sandwiches and a delicious lemon drink called nimbu pani.

Upon reaching Delhi, I was excited but apprehensive. I had heard the city was polluted and crowded and wondered if the airport would reflect that chaos. It was frustrating being in the long line for customs. The airport was under construction. My apprehension increased. It was a rough entrance to India coupled with the exhausting journey till then. On top of that, our bags were missing. My helpless, dependent feeling began as I watched my wife go from one area of the airport to another, trying to figure out what to do while speaking Hindi. I was worried our driver wouldn’t be there. I was aware of how it was just up to us—there was no support and we were in a foreign country.

Pria: Our first step out into the balmy Delhi night on December 15, 2007 was alarming and exciting at once. I was finally there! I tried to make out what I was seeing around me—old, wrecked cars, people sleeping in various corners. It seemed to be a movie set from long ago. What a perfect interpretation of a by-gone era! I had to remind myself that it was not a set but the country I was born into, and I was leaving the airport I had last seen in 1994. I looked at the faces of my husband and son, trying to imagine their thoughts thus far about the country I was from. It was their very first impression. I thought they must be horrified. It was a surreal scene, stepping out in this strange, foreign land.

There did not seem to be a defined parking lot, yet the driver seemed to find an Ambassador car that we piled into, no seatbelts in the back, which we would expect the remainder of the trip. We were off, whizzing around the snake-like streets of Delhi. There did not seem to be many street signs after the “Welcome to Delhi” sign sponsored by Samsung in equally big letters. Light signals were not used, favoring honking instead. It seemed numerous times vehicles were approaching us, ready for a head-on collision until the driver calmly backed up or swerved around. Cars passed constantly after notices by honking. Amazingly, after traveling through a questionable, littered neighborhood, we arrived at our hotel.

Mostly all I could make out was the litter around and a general sense of disorientation and chaos.

Porter: Upon awakening in Delhi, I decided to take a brief stroll around the hotel to inspect the neighborhood to see what morning life was like in this corner of the city. I had slept maybe 3-4 hours and felt rather dazed. The lack of sleep only added to the strange feeling I had when I walked outside the hotel. The feeling is hard to explain—it’s the feeling of an American realizing he or she is in a less-developed country for the first time and understanding this is how some people from less-developed countries live. The road outside the hotel was in poor shape with trash everywhere. Street vendors who had been sleeping on the street were just waking up and were bathing themselves with buckets of water. I was most amazed by the electricity poles and their beehive collection of wires. How did electricity work with such a jumble? And what did the collection of wires mean?

Pria: Porter and I got up a few hours later, had delicious breakfast with some foreigners, mostly from Europe, and then slept until late afternoon. We managed to take our very first auto rickshaw to Connaught Place, where we went to a restaurant I had gone to before—Nirula’s—and ordered pizza of all things, which didn’t compare to what we could have at home.

Within a couple of days, after staying in Delhi longer than planned due to our luggage being mishandled, we were able to pick up two of three bags. This was after much disconnection, very poor customer service, amazingly maddening processes, being ignored, yelling, crying and even paying storage fees. Much of the poor treatment I received was because I am a woman. I explained to Porter that had he taken the lead with trying to get the bags, he would have probably been treated better, and we may have gotten them sooner. My impression was that his speaking English while being white, male and clearly American would have trumped the advantage of my speaking Hindi. This was a sad, embarrassing observation of my cultural heritage. My pride in my heritage took a hit, as I had to acknowledge that in North India at least, there is not much respect for females overall. My being with a man who wasn’t Indian probably didn’t elevate me in the eyes of many strangers, particularly males.

Porter: Once we had our bags, the remaining segments of our trip came together in haphazard fashion with the help of a travel agent we happened to stumble upon while strolling in Connaught Place our first day. We flew to Mumbai for a night, then to Fort Cochin and Kerala for a several days and then from Trivandrum back to Delhi. We also decided to rent an SUV and booked the flights and few hotel nights through the same tour operator, figuring we would book the rest of the hotels on our own.

Pria: We were happy with our comfortable Toyota SUV and with having a driver taking us on our adventure. It was great to slowly leave Delhi, with its stop-and-go traffic, pollution and mayhem.

Porter: However, driving in rural India proved to be its own adventure—and quite a surprise. People constantly passed us and honked at us. We regularly pulled over to avoid cars and let cars pass us. At first it was nerve-wracking and seemed liked total chaos. But over time it was clear that drivers were using their horns to communicate with each other, whether it was notifying them they needed to move over or they were being passed. I learned that cars pulled over based on which oncoming car had the largest shoulder. We only had one near-mishap on the whole trip! Nevertheless, I was glad we had a driver!

Pria: After stopping at a very nice, elegant rest stop with attendants and souvenirs, we reached our first destination, Agra, to show my family the Taj Mahal. Although I had seen the Taj several times before, it was my first time seeing this “old friend” at sunrise.

Porter: We decided to hire a guide who recommended that we see the Taj early in the morning because the light then is great for taking pictures. I remember walking on the grounds towards the Taj and wondering where the structure was, when I saw it from behind some walls. I couldn’t see it all at first, just the top rounded parts—and it was surreal. I was mesmerized as we got closer, seeing the structure in person. We spent several hours touring all the nooks and crannies and trying to capture the image in our minds.

It was amazing to finally see one of the seven wonders of the world that I had up to then only seen in pictures. I don’t think there is anything else on the planet that compares with its grandeur. It was definitely one of the highlights of the trip for me.

Pria: From Agra to my state of Rajasthan, I was skeptical of locating my former village, as I only knew that it was in the town of Alwar—and not much else. I was even more uncertain of finding the house I had lived in until the age of seven, before moving to America. The driver was perhaps more skeptical than me that this task would get accomplished. But after asking numerous people and driving for what seemed like eternity, we were there. I rolled down my car window to ask gathering folks whether they were aware of someone with my last name having lived there.

Almost immediately, individuals in the gathering commented on having the same name as me and were commenting on my mom’s name—that I was her daughter. We were swiftly directed to the homes of relatives, where we were offered chai and snacks, while other relatives gathered. We took many photos, and we were finally shown my former house, where the current tenants allowed us to look inside my former home, which had been divided in two.

Porter: I was curious to see where Pria spent the first seven years of her life before moving to the U.S. From the stories she told, it sounded like she was a free-spirit who ran around carefree with a group of other children. I was hopeful she would find her village, given that it was fairly small. I figured someone would recognize her name. When our driver started to ask around and people mentioned her mother and other relatives, I knew we were going to find some contacts. We parked the car, which quickly drew attention because it was a newer SUV, and one of the first people to show up happened to be a cousin of Pria’s! Tears started to run down her face as she knew she was home. It was an amazing scene for me to watch. We were eventually directed to a house owned by another of Pria’s relatives. It was fascinating to see so many long-lost relatives and friends of Pria’s parents show up. They were enthralled by this long-lost little girl they hadn’t seen since she was seven. I couldn’t imagine what they were thinking! It was great to see the house where she grew up that had Pria’s first name, “Komal,” on a placard above the door. I tried to imagine what her life must have been like in this small open-air house, sleeping on the roof and falling asleep under the stars. This was one of the highlights of the trip for me.

Pria: After two days in Jaipur, where we toured and shopped for my importing business, we took off for a daylong, difficult drive to Udaipur. Early the following morning, we said farewell to our driver and SUV and flew to Mumbai for a day. Stopping in Mumbai had taken some persuasion on my part as Porter was not very interested in exploring bustling city-life in India.

The following day, we were off for the most anticipated part of our trip: South India and Kerala. I had never been to the south so this was the first time for all of us. We were also going to be on equal terms because I would not be able to use Hindi. Once we arrived in Cochin in Kerala, we took a one-hour car ride with another couple to Fort Cochin, a quaint town recommended by an acquaintance. It was there that I ate at a questionable restaurant, becoming impatient with our food restrictions and deciding to have some chutney at room temperature. My risk did not pay off, and I promptly ended up with intestinal issues.

Unfortunately, after a bad restroom experience en route to our next destination, Varkala Beach in Kerala, I was not such a fan of my country. To add to the frustration of being sick without convenient adequate facilities I could use, I was kicking myself for having packed all the medicine in our checked bags rather than carry-on.

Porter: One awkward cultural moment I experienced was in South India, when my wife arranged a traditional Indian wedding ceremony for us at a Hindu temple. We had already been married in the States, so this was more of a “fun” wedding for the both of us. I learned that the minister was reluctant to marry us because I was not Hindu. We ended up having a brief ceremony in a remote corner of the temple that my wife was not altogether pleased with. She was trying to talk to the minister in Hindi about the details of the ceremony, and it was challenging because the minister did not speak Hindi. I was confused about the whole process and was just trying to go with the flow.

Pria: From Kerala, we flew to Bangalore, India’s Silicon Valley, before returning to Delhi for a night before our trip back to the U.S.

Porter: After coming back from India, I felt grateful for the daily comforts and routine of my U.S lifestyle. After seeing the limited opportunities that many Indians had, I feel fortunate that my family has more educational and economic opportunities available to them. I appreciate America’s transportation system and feel grateful I don’t need to worry about the safety of my food and water.

I would advise anyone in my shoes to prepare emotionally before going to a South Asian country with your South Asian mate. Know that you may have to depend on your partner for customs, basic communication, getting around and cultural navigation. You might feel helpless and handicapped as I did. I developed more respect for my wife for taking the leadership role and also empathy for her too, since she was taking on the stronger role in a patriarchal society, such as when dealing with Air India over our misplaced bags. Grasping some of the Hindi language can be helpful when traveling in the north, as can learning about the customs and traditions in different parts of India that you plan to visit.

After the trip I understood why the country promotes itself as “Incredible India.” There was so much of India’s natural and cultural beauty that we did not get to see. India had incredible beauty and poverty, along with cultural and geographic diversity. There was much I learned about India, and I appreciated even more what I knew and expected. There were some areas I have no interest in going back to, such as busy, cosmopolitan Mumbai, where I felt overwhelmed by the sights and sounds. On the other hand, I could easily go back to other areas such as Kerala to spend several weeks touring. This trip whet my appetite for future trips to India to see the Himalayas and the coral reefs of the Lakshadweep Islands off India’s southwest coast. Overall, I feel that my perspectives have broadened and appreciated, seeing demonstrations of happiness found not through possessions but through finding joy in simple pleasures, like watching children in Kerala jumping into the water in delight.

Porter Ingrum was raised in Austin, TX and has always loved to travel and explore other countries and cultures. Porter has lived in many places in the U.S., including New England, Seattle and Charlottesville, VA where he attended the University of Virginia and received his master’s in urban and environmental planning. He now lives in Denver and is employed as an environmental planner. Porter is happy to be a father to 10-month old Maya and is looking forward to showing her the world someday. He is glad to have experienced some of the world already with preteen stepson Colin and wife Pria.

K. Pria Acharya Ingrum was seven when she moved to the U.S. from India. She moved every two years growing up and eventually settled in Denver as an adult. Pria’s educational background includes an MBA in market strategy, bachelor's in English writing and psychology, certificates in Asian studies, legal studies and contract management. Pria’s work experiences include public relations, advertising, marketing, sales, freelance writing, teaching writing and literature and contract management. Now a busy mom to an infant daughter and preteen son, she takes breaks by blogging and establishing herself as an entrepreneur.