Keeping Birthdays Real

Growing up, I remember enjoying a wide variety of birthday parties: Chuck E. Cheese, mini-carnival parties with ponies, circus-themed parties with clowns, dress-up and makeover parties, intricate cupcakes, out-of-this-world decorations, choreographed games and amazing treat bags for all the kids to take home.

In none of these parties was I the celebrated birthday girl. I was just one of the lucky kids to be invited. My birthday parties were cut from a completely different cloth. Routinely, when my birthday rolled around, my mother asked me what I’d like for my birthday dinner. My top choice was always—heck, it is still!—her biriyani (a rice dish containing meat or vegetables), and my mother made paisam (a pudding-like dessert) from scratch. My extended family came over and we ate, talked and celebrated my birthday.

The cake was always bought from the local grocery store, with sugary icing flowers and the words, “Happy Birthday!” written in pink or purple gel icing. We dimmed the lights, lit the candles and everyone sang “Happy Birthday,” while I grinned from ear-to-ear, wondering what to wish for before blowing the candles out. Once the lights were turned back on, my sister would immediately ask me what I wished for, and I would tell her I couldn’t tell or it would never come true. We would go back and forth for quite some time until I gave in and told her my wish. I loved every one of those celebrations.

My birthday continues to be a low-key event, celebrated personally with my husband and daughters, but with a few slight differences. Since no one lives close enough to come over for dinner, I settle for calls from my family. I don’t know how to make paisam, but my cake is no longer store bought; it is made by my daughters and me.

But true to form, after dinner, my husband brings the cake to the table, lights the candles and dims the light, and he and my daughters sing “Happy Birthday” to me while I grin the same grin from ear-to-ear and think of what to wish for before blowing out the candles. Once the lights are turned on, I ask them if they would like to know my wish. My husband refuses and says I shouldn’t say it out loud or it won’t come true. I insist that I want them to know. This goes back and forth until finally he gives in and allows me to tell them my wish.

My daughters’ birthdays, on the other hand, are by no means simple events. My older daughter Yasmina’s first birthday was a Dora the Explorer-themed catered affair at a restaurant with a guest list of more than 50 people. Her second birthday was a Winnie-the-Pooh-theme and catered at a party hall filled with hundreds of balloons and decorations. Last year, in a valiant attempt to tone things down, I decided to have her third birthday party at home. I imagined a simple party with a few of her close friends and their mothers.

Countless nights later, I had cut so many star and moon decorations out of construction paper for her pajama party-themed party that I suffered a sprained thumb and had to see a doctor. I was up until 2 a.m. stenciling pillowcases to be used as treat bags. I formed a deep bond (pun intended) with my glue gun while I labored over party invitations that resembled little dolls in sleeping bags with pillows. I stayed up to the wee hours of the morning creating adorable individual birthday cakes that looked exactly like little dolls sleeping on little pillows atop little beds with the most beautiful little blankets and quilts.

By the time her birthday party rolled around, I was exhausted and those catered birthdays of the past were looking better and better. Of course, Yasmina and all her friends enjoyed her pajama birthday party immensely, but I have a sneaking suspicion that they would have liked it just as much if we had no decorations, no themed games, no elaborate foods and no treat bags—and instead just turned up the music, danced and ordered pizza.

It’s now February, and my thoughts have turned to Yasmina’s upcoming fourth birthday in April. I suggested several ideas to her the other day: a “backwards” birthday party where everything would be done backwards and all the kids could even wear their clothes backwards; a tropical luau party where everyone could hula dance and drink from coconut straw cups; a princess party where we could pretend to be fairy princesses and wear tiaras. Her response to every one of these suggestions was a resounding “No.”

So I asked her what she wanted—a novel idea. Her answer? Barney. Barney decorations, Barney party hats and a Barney cake. “That’s it?” I asked. “Yupper, that’s it,” she said. So for the second year in a row, I will once again try to rein it in. I will lock my glue gun in a safe, and I will fight the urge to create a life-size sculpture of Barney from purple Play-Doh.

The simple way I celebrate my own birthdays makes me wonder why I’ve gone to such extremes when planning my daughters’ birthday parties. Is it because I have always been subconsciously jealous of my childhood friends who had more extravagant parties than I did? Is it because my current friends seem to throw more and more extravagant parties for their kids every year, and I don’t want my girls to feel any less special? Is it Mommy Guilt that drives me to throw such elaborate parties? Will I feel like a failure if I don’t? Or could it be that I am actually falling victim to the “Keeping up with the Joneses” mentality to which I swore I would never succumb?

After giving this some thought, I’ve come to the realization that what’s more important than figuring out why I do what I do is accepting the fact that I am not happy with the pattern I have set and figuring out where to go from here. If I am giving my girls such extravagant parties at this age, it stands to reason they will expect bigger and better parties every year. At this rate, I will be renting limousines and buying out concert tickets for their Sweet 16 parties.

Here are some tips to help you throw a cost-effective yet memorable birthday party for your child. 1. Keep it simple. You’d be surprised at how little it really takes to make your child’s day. 2. Involve your children. Ask them how they want to celebrate their birthday (food, decorations, games, etc.). If their ideas are over-the-top, work with them to come to a compromise everyone feels happy about. 3. Be realistic. Don’t plan an extravagant party for your two-year-old. Chances are a one- hour party will be all that he or she can handle. 4. Give yourself a break. Not everything has to be handmade to the finest detail. It’s okay to buy some items. The important thing is keeping your focus on your child and making this an enjoyable event for him or her. 5. Just relax and enjoy the party with your little one. You will never get this day back, so savor it while it lasts! For more great ideas on how to keep things simple and fun, check out the following websites: www.birthdayswithoutpressure.org www.birthdaypartyideas.com www.amazingmoms.com

This year, I resolve to keep all the birthday celebrations in our home simple. I want my girls to have memories like mine—to remember their birthdays fondly because they were personal, not because they were costly and over the top. And I want to remember the fun I had with them on their birthdays, not the countless hours I spent working on getting everything ready. This year, I will remember that there will soon come a time when they will be celebrating their birthdays with their own families, so I will do all I can to make sure the celebrations we have together now are meaningful.

I will ask my daughters what they want for their birthday dinner, and I will be sure to ask my mother for her biriyani recipe as I have a feeling this will be their response. And this year, after dimming the lights and singing “Happy Birthday,” after the candles are blown out, I will tickle my girls relentlessly until they tell me what they wished for.

Brinda Abu-Obaid is a stay-at-home mom who lives in Clifton, VA with her husband, Aladin, and her two daughters, Yasmina and Noora.