Three-year-old Temper Tantrums

Surviving a preschooler’s temper tantrum is almost a rite-of-passage of parenthood. If handled properly the parent comes out of it feeling on top of the world, ready to take on any challenge, maybe even with one arm tied behind his or her back. A preschooler’s temper tantrum is the equivalent of a summer storm: sudden and fierce but often over as quickly as it starts. One minute you and your preschooler are enjoying dinner in a restaurant, the next he or she is whimpering, whining and screaming to go home.

It’s important to understand why temper tantrums happen in the first place. Thankfully, they may be less common during the preschool years than they are during the terrible twos, but when tantrums do erupt, they are as challenging as ever. It’s unlikely your preschooler is throwing a fit to be manipulative. More likely, he or she is having a meltdown due to frustration. Often, your preschooler’s overwhelming emotions are to blame. Fearfulness, rejection by peers, new situations and sudden interruptions also are frequent tantrum triggers.

We went through a period of daily temper tantrums with my three-year-old daughter, Yasmina, only to find out a few days into this routine that a preschool friend had told her to “Go away!” two weeks earlier. This rejection hurt her, and her gut reaction was to be mad and take it out on the ones who love her most—a reaction many of us may have had ourselves.

So what’s the best way to handle temper tantrums? Most importantly, remember you are the adult. No matter how long the tantrum lasts, don’t give in to unreasonable demands or negotiate with your screaming preschooler. It’s especially tempting in public to cave in just to end the episode, but try not to worry about what others think—other parents have been there before. By conceding, you’ll only be teaching your child that pitching a fit will get what he or she wants and set the stage for future behavior problems. Furthermore, a tantrum is frightening enough, without your child feeling that you might not be entirely in control of your emotions either.

Photo by Khizer Husain

If your preschooler’s tantrum escalates to the point where your child is hitting people or pets, throwing things or screaming non-stop, carry your child to a safe place, like the bedroom, where your child can not harm him or herself. Tell your child why he or she is there (“because you hit your sister”), and let your child know that you’ll stay there until he or she calms down. If you are in a public place when the tantrum hits, be prepared to leave with your child until he or she gets a grip.

When the storm subsides, hold your child close and talk about happened. Acknowledge your child’s frustration and encourage him or her to put feelings into words by asking, “Is there something you want to tell me about what upset you?” And let the answer lead you to your next question—sometimes this is the best way to get at the “meat” of things.

This series of questions and answers are what led me to find out how Yasmina’s feelings were hurt by her friend telling her to go away. Stay away from punishments—at this age, a tantrum is a sign that something is troubling your preschooler, so take time to talk about what that might be. Yasmina and I talked about how the words “Go away!” made her feel and what she might do the next time one of her friends treats her in an unkind way. I could almost feel the tension melt away from her, and my daughter learned something that day that adults know so well—it feels good to vent!

If your preschooler has a tantrum before bed, hold off on your heart-to-heart until the next day. For the time being, simply calm your child down, say you love him or her and help your child get to sleep. There will be time the next day to talk it all out.

Try to head off any tantrum-triggering situations by paying attention to what pushes your preschooler’s buttons and planning accordingly. If he or she falls apart when hungry, carry snacks with you. If your child has trouble making a transition from one activity to the next, give him or her a gentle heads-up before a change. Alerting your child to the fact that you’re about to leave the playground or sit down to dinner (“We’re going to eat when you finish building that tower”) gives him or her a chance to adjust instead of react.

Your preschooler is grappling with new kinds of demands from you, peers, and teachers, so offer choices when you can. No one likes being told what to do all the time. Saying, “Do you want to wear your blue shirt or your red shirt?” rather than, “You are wearing your red shirt today!” will give your child a sense of control. And monitor how often you are saying no. If you find you’re rattling it off routinely, you’re probably putting unnecessary stress on both of you. Ease up and choose your battles—after all, would it really wreck your schedule to spend an extra five minutes at the playground?

Though occasional tantrums and out-of-control behavior are perfectly normal parts of the preschool years, watch for signs of over-stress. Has there been upheaval in the family? An extremely busy or harried period? Tension between you and your partner? All of these situations can provoke tantrums. If your preschooler is having tantrums every day, talk to the pediatrician. The pediatrician can make sure that a physical or psychological condition isn’t contributing to the problem and suggest ways to deal with the outbursts.

There are several products in the market that can actually help your child handle emotions in a constructive way. One toy that might help your child sort through his or her feelings is the Kimochi (Japanese for ”feelings”) Box. You can choose from a Bug Box, a Huggtopus Box, a Cloud Box and a Cat Box. Each box comes with three little critters labeled “Happy,” “Brave” and “Left Out,” and all the critters tuck neatly into the box’s tummy to reflect your child’s current mood. The toy can be purchased on www.kimochis.com. While there, you can also find additional feeling critters, such as “Guilty,” “Embarrassed,” “Jealous,” “Sorry” and many more to complete your collection.

There are also several books you can read with your child that talk about different feelings and how to express them. The Way I Feel by Janan Cain and Today I Feel Silly and I’m Gonna Like Me: Letting Off Some Self-Esteem by actress Jamie Lee Curtis can give you a great start. And if your child enjoys arts and crafts, he or she might enjoy making “mood masks.” Just make faces depicting various moods (smiling, crying, laughing, angry, etc.) on paper plates, using any embellishments you fancy, like buttons for eyes, glitter for tears and yarn for hair, and then glue a wooden popsicle stick to the back of it. Now you and your child can hold the masks up to your faces and role play what you would say or do when you feel a certain way.

Finally, don’t forget the power of praise. If your preschooler handles a situation well that at one time caused an instant meltdown, give your child a high-five and let him or her know you noticed and are proud of how he or she handled the situation. Your child might remember these words of praise when this situation comes up again and choose the non-tantrum behavior—at least, one can hope!

Brinda Abu-Obaid is a stay-at-home mom who lives in Clifton, VA with her husband, Aladin, and her two daughters, Yasmina and Noora.