QUESTION
I just started seeing a really great girl, but she's constantly second-guessing everything I do. For instance, when I go out with friends, she has to know where I'm going, when I'm going to be back and who's going to be there. I get the feeling she doesn't trust me. One time she even showed up with her friends. I really like her, but I can't deal with this!

ANSWER by Jasbina Ahluwalia
I can appreciate the frustration you’re feeling. My first suggestion is to have a heart-to-heart with the woman you’re seeing. Start the conversation by expressing how much you really like her and why you like her. If you’re exclusive with her, let her know you chose to be exclusive because of the person she is and are not interested in exploring a relationship with any other woman. It is possible she is feeling insecure, so spelling out how important she is to you may go a long way towards alleviating any concerns she may have (justified or not). You may also wish to ask her if there is any particular behavior or habit of yours that is causing her to feel this anxiety. Even behaviors that seem innocuous to you might be triggering concern based on a past relationship she’s had. While you are certainly not responsible for another person’s behavior, it can be difficult for many of us to view each new relationship or person in an unbiased way due to our previous experiences (or even experiences of other people in our lives). Let her know you highly value her trust and will not betray it.

During this conversation, I would also express how her behavior makes you feel. Let her know you like her so much you do not want to let her behavior get in the way of your relationship. Let her know how important it is to you that the person you are with trusts you.

If these suggestions don’t alleviate the situation, you may want to encourage her to seek counseling to work through what may be trust issues. If you really like her, perhaps you can let her know you will support her as she seeks counseling.

Best wishes!

QUESTION
I have been divorced now for about six months after being separated for a year. Our marriage lasted seven months, and we both sought marriage counseling but could not make the marriage work. I love him a lot. I'm not able to accept divorce, and the thought of being with another man feels very creepy. I used to only believe in marriage that lasts a lifetime, and I don't know how to change my core beliefs.

ANSWER by Anju Mulchandani
Divorce is a major life change that can leave a person reeling. Add to that the fact that few societies on earth take marriage more seriously than South Asians, and it is no wonder that you are having a hard time accepting your divorce.

There is no time frame on how long you should take to get used to the idea, so allow yourself to grieve. It might help to know that you are not alone. When SecondShaadi.com, an online matchmaking service for Indian divorcées, debuted recently, they quickly developed a client base of 25,000 people. Whether the reason is that today’s generation is less willing to go to any lengths to save a marriage or that women have become more financially stable, the fact is that South Asians are beginning to look at divorce as an option when it wasn’t seen as one before.

There comes a time, though, when you have to accept your divorce as a reality. This does not mean you have to think about being with other men at this point since you are not ready. But it is up to you to make a conscious choice and commitment to moving forward. Life is always changing, and for the most part we don't have control over the external events we are handed but we do have control over how we handle them.

One way to do this is to ask for help. Surround yourself by friends and family who will provide you with emotional support, and do things that make you feel good. Remember, just because your marriage is over, this doesn't mean your life is over. This is an opportunity to start writing a new chapter in your life!

Photo by Camilo Morales

Jasbina Ahluwalia runs Intersections Matchmaking, a personalized Matchmaking firm for South Asian singles nationwide.

Anju Mulchandani is a graduate of the Columbia School of Social Work. Her clinical experience has focused on providing counseling for individuals with a variety of emotional problems.